


and when the times come(ill be there for you)

by richkv



Category: True Beauty - Yaongyi (Webcomic), 여신강림 | True Beauty (Korea TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad boy Seojun Han, Class President Suho Lee, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Suho is Bad at Feeling, M/M, Misunderstandings, Suho Lee is Oblivion, maybe light angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:07:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29461005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/richkv/pseuds/richkv
Summary: Established Suho and Seojun but everyone else thinks otherwise— just bestfriends bcs it’s impossible if they kissed each other to sleep when Suho makes it clear that the thought of it grossed the hell out of him.or an au where Seojun waits patiently, maybe hinting one time or two, for Suho to say the 3 words and finally understand why the other person refused to— there’s no love in the first place.
Relationships: Seojun Han/Suho Lee
Comments: 27
Kudos: 70





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> im not really good at writing, but i will try my best to use beautiful words to portray the plot as best as i can<3

✧

After years on pining over his own bestfriend, that night, Seojun finally find himself sleeping peacefully, a wide smile replaced his usual frown, sweet dream replacing nightmares.

Everything seems fine.

It’s not.

✧

Suho is always an early bird. He always make it a habit to have a morning workout before going to school. However, it wasnt the case nowadays.

”Seojun,” Suho slipped his cold feet into the mullet teen’s pajama top, tickling the bare, smooth skin into no consideration. Yet, there’s no reaction from the badboy despite being the most ticklish human being to ever alive. Suho then proceed to bring his freezing hands in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck which then causing him to receive a groan. The other’s forehead wrinkled in annoyance.

It makes Suho snorted at the reaction. In fact, it is still early for school. Yet, he makes it obvious that annoying his boyfriend every morning is his current hobby and obsession.

“Suho stop,” Seojun whine sleepily, the early bird almost missed the words. Hence, when he spares a look on his boyfriend, his heart immediately melts. Like a natural instinct, he runs his long fingers through Seojun’s hair. He almost forgot the feeling of it, how nice it feels in between his fingers and how they smell like strawberry.

The sleeping teen feels disturbed by it and slapped Suho’s hands away unforgivably. “Ouch,” the short black hair man shouts before flicking Seojun as a response. The latter man shot his eyes open and growl, “Suho, you’re so fucking annoying, you know how I value my sleep. I wish I could smack the hell out of you then left you on the street with no money so you will understand how insufferable you are and I’m so tired of you!” He shouts out of nowhere.

Silence. 

Silence continues.

The class president then burst into a laugh, holding his stomach as he throws his head backwards. He finds it very endearing to hear his boyfriend’s ridiculous(cute) words out of anger. Like if he remember it correctly, Seojun once called him, non-loyal hoepoopie(hoe stand for suho) for picking him a little bit later than usual. 

Not to forget that one time Seojun lashed on him because Suho refused to let him win in any games.

” _You strawberry eater don’t deserve any right_ ,” the mullet muttered and it makes Suho widen his eyes in defense. He fought back in an instant but safe to say it makes the sulky man giggled with thousands of kisses present to him. 

“Yah! What’s so funny,” he kicked his boyfriend on the shin playfully, as if just trying to say he wasn’t fond of the laughter.

Rolling his eyes sassily, “Why do I even dating you?” 

“Because you love me,” Suho replies, sticking his tongue like a kid. 

He’s lucky, Seojun isn’t a muderer or he’ll be a dead meat. “And if I do?” Seojun replies daringly. 

All he gets in return is a plain chuckle and a cuddle back to sleep. 

Suho didn’t say it back.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Suho’s phone vibrates, the screen shows few notifications from his favorite human. He read the receipt before ringing his boyfriend, missing the other’s voice.

“So, coming home late again today?” Suho teased but Seojun can somehow hear the bitterness in the other’s voice. The immature him would shot the other with sharp words but all he said was, “I’m so sorry. Strawberries as forgiveness?”

Suho stay quiet on the other line. Part of him just wanna messed up with the other yet he realize he couldn’t deny any of Seojun’s words because it’s true. He is indeed salty, the lack of time with the mullet nowadays is unbearable. Fuck their schedule. 

“Lots and lots and lots of strawberries and chocolate dipped from your favorite store?” Seojun tried again, the top student can imagine the other’s puppy eyes. 

“What about cuddle?” 

“Huh?” 

Suho chuckled, “I want cuddle. A long session of cuddle and maybe a few make outs,” a long pause from the other line and it makes him snort. 

“You there babe?” Such a shameless soul.

“Bye see you never,” the call was cut and once again, Suho found it very endearing. Everything about the badboy makes him flutter, thanks to the said boy, now he knows how it feels to be in love.

Unaware of him smiling towards his phone, Jukyung comes and poke his side. “My mom said whenever you smile at your phone, must be something going on there,” she speaks with full volume.

Suho rolled his eyes as he turns off his phone and flick her forehead, make her whine in return, “You’re still young to know about these thing, act your age,” and there starts the bickering. 

Jukyung, the loud yet beautiful girl and Suho, the quiet yet charming in his own way. 

“Told you they’re actually dating,” 

”They seem so close to be just friends,”

The whisperings makes the guy’s ear itching before he leans closer to Jukyung, “Imagine dating you, bluwekkk,” 

“Yah! Go fuck yourself weirdo!” 

Suho is already at the door, waving the girl while sticking his tongue, “See you when I see you, single,” he added and safe to say that he just added fuel to the scene. 

Jukyung jumps from her seat and attacked the man, “Who told you I’m single?” with the amount of slaps he receive from Jukyung, he still manage to say, “Then, why are you so triggered?”

When he was about to save himself from the abuse, he bumped into someone and hey, it’s the most beautiful man he ever seen. With his usual dangling earings and black jacket hugging him to keep him warm. 

“Seojun,” he called out of surprise. He looks around and steals a quick kiss on the man’s cheek. The all-black guy widen his eyes, “Are you crazy? What if anyone see?” 

Suho smiles before whispering, “There’s no one here babe. And even if there is, who cares?” he said as he scooted his boyfriend closer to him, missing every inch of the guy. 

“Cough cough fucking cough,” Jukyung interrupts the lovebirds and Suho just rolled his eyes in annoyance. She hides a fond smile, then took her leave, had no plan to stay anyway, “Oh but wait,” she comes back and kicked Suho’s shin while giving a quick, friendly hug to Seojun.

“She’s quite cheeky huh?” Seojun asked when he was sure the girl’s out of his sight. “Yeah and I cant believe we’re her childhood friends. What did we do to deserve her?” Suho said dramatically. 

“Hey don’t be rude,” The former guy said, a long pause before continuing, “But no joke though, I really thought you had a crush on her back in those days,” they are now walking side by side, Seojun on the left and Suho on the right. 

It’s quite obvious how Suho always has his arms around Seojun protectively, fighting one or two persons who’s picking a fight on the said man— despite his boyfriend being a bad boy himself, he still feel the need to take care of him. 

Quiet yet intimidating, Suho admits he never declares his relationship with Seojun, but he hasn’t being too secret about it either. He doesn’t care as long as Seojun is there.

“Which assignment you have to complete today? Perhaps, I can help?” Suho asked as he inserted coins in the water machine. Seojun frown a bit, “What do you mean? I dont think I have one?” he replies. 

Suho passed one of the drink to Seojun “Isnt... that supposed to be the reason why youre coming home late tonight? You told me.... like half an hour ago...” Suho unsurely said. 

Seojun keep avoiding Suho’s gaze, his eyes wilding. That’s when he knew something is up. 

“Oh right, yeah! How could I forget the assignment, silly me,” Seojun said before sipping his drink aggressively. As fast as lightning, he stands up and pat Suho on the shoulder before running off.

What’s odd is he saw the slightly taller man runs towards the gate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The little sneak peak on the characters! hehe i hope you like it!


	2. you are my happiness(and always will be)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little notes :
> 
> -Seojun is referred as the older one, the taller one and the badboy. 
> 
> -Suho is referred as the the younger, the broader. 
> 
> I hope you wont get confuse about these little things.

✧

“My baby,” Suho wraps his arms around Seojun’s shoulder, rocking them from side to side. The movie in front of them is long forgotten by both. The older has been moping over some **stupid** book characters at least for five minutes now.

“Hey! Don’t you dare disrespect my favorite characters like that!” he warns before giving a small pinch on his boyfriend. A good moment after, guess who’s stuck on his boyfriend like a glue again?

  
  


_Wait , did he hear it_? “Yes I am. Do you think I’m deaf?” Seojun replied while rolling his eyes, the book is still in hands. 

  
  


Suho really can't comprehands what the bad boy sees in the characters. So what if they were not meant to be? 

  
  


“Okay but what’s so special about the character? They…. literally have a chance to be together but they're selfish for their own good so who’s fault really?” The lean guy said, he believes he spoke nothing but the truth. 

  
  


A long pause. 

  
  


Seojun opens his mouth multiple times but nothing comes out, he sighs frustratingly. Deciding to ignore the comment, he finds himself playing with the collar of the other’s. His long fingers once or twice brushed Suho’s neck, suffocating the hell out of the latter. 

  
  


“You might think they’re dumb, well, probably think I am too,” 

  
  


“No, I dont,” Suho replies quickly. “At least, not you,”

  
  


Seojun lets out a deep breath, “What I mean is, I feel the closure to the characters. Like imagine still equally fond of each other but your relationship just doesnt work with time. It’s very…. saddening,” 

  
  


Noticing the deep adoration in Seojun’s eyes, Suho takes a note to backs off from teasing the man any further. Instead, he creates small circles on the bad boy’s back, acknowledging how his boyfriend’s s shoulder tense a bit when he speaks up his mind.

  
  
  


“Entertain me,” Suho speaks as his point finger continues its work. 

  
  


“Couldn’t say much, really, it’s just I’m amazed. Kinda had a second thought that maybe, a lot of relationships fail because of these things— misunderstand, miscommunication, lack of trust, well beside falling out of love obviously,” Seojun said again. His gaze lowered, fingers tapping on each other. 

  
  


They may be only in a relationship for a few months but they have known each other for at least half of their age. Suho knows that Seojun has a habit of playing with his fingers when he feels anxious.

  
  
  


But he didn't point it out although he’s dying to yet, respecting the other is always his priority. 

  
  
  


“It makes me scared, well sometimes. We never really see our flaws until it’s shown in front of us. Like you said, the characters are egoistic. Well, I agree but I also think that we are so quick to judge. Just imagine if we are one too,” His eyes are now dimmed, all grey and blue, the younger doesn’t like the sight of it, not even a bit. “We will never know, if you get what I mean,” he continues.

  
  
  
  


In a blink of eyes, Seojun feels a soft pair of lips on top of his head. Panicking, he pushes the other’s away, his eyes never meet Suho’s, “W-What are you doing dude?” the man curls his fingers into a fist, let me rephrase that, tiny cute fist. 

  
  


“Ouch,” the victim winces, it didn’t hurt that much but he’s dramatic as he is; he wouldn't be one of the theater club’s participants if it wasn't living within him. He curls himself into a circle, not even a word was exchanged.

  
  


“Suho, it’s not funny. Just stop it already,” No reaction— just a small, faint whine, once again was audible. 

  
  


“Suho,” he reaches the other’s shoulder. His voice was full of worries. When he was about to call again, he was attacked by kisses. First on his forehead and ends with his lips, “Never dude-zone me. Ever again, you hear me?” 

Seojun rolled his eyes but at the same time, couldn't hide his fondness towards the slightly broader man. There’s just something special about the guy that never fails to make him feel butterflies. He rarely admits, honestly quite shy to admit too, that he has so much adoreness towards the younger. 

  
  


Talking about age, he remembers falling in love with the younger’s maturity in the way he solved problems and the way he gave off his opinion. Despite being the youngest in music class, he impressed Seojun. 

  
  


He also remembers vividly how often he spares glance on the younger during that specific class. His face went as red as a tomato (that’s what Seyeon claimed) when he got caught right handed. 

  
  


If his memory is correct, he thinks he ditched that class for almost a week because of the embarrassment.

  
  


Seojun once again made himself comfortable in his boyfriend’s warmth. “I love you,” that was unexpected. He buried his face in the slope of Suho’s neck. Without realizing it, the man already wrapped his arms around the older. Peppering some small kisses before they drift off to sleep. 

  
  
  
  


Suho still didnt say it. 

  
  
  


✧

  
  
  
  


“I swear to god Suho! This is not funny,” Seojun said as his eyes scanned the whole place. He refused to keep walking. In fact, his legs betrayed him, freezing him on the same spot. Beautiful cities light and the people around them are all equally happy and in love, such a warmth scenery. Oh, look there is even a small boy throwing a tantrum at the corner. 

  
  


He used to dream of going to an amusement park with someone he dearly treasured, more accurately, with his mom. But neither his mom nor him got a chance to since they never really earned money for luxury. “This is sick,” Seojun whispers under his breath, the words almost swallowed by his deep voice. 

  
  


“Let’s go,” Suho reaches for the slightly taller man’s hand and leads the dumbfounded man to one of the booths. Seojun still has the same reaction, Suho giggles a bit beside him before the older said again. “I have been dreaming for this for the rest of my life, isn't this too much?” he looks up at Suho for answers.

  
  
  


“It is, I think I’m gonna stay broke for the rest of my life,” Seojun widened his eyes, “That expensive?”

  
  


The buffer guy flick the other’s chin playfully, “I’m just kidding, well not really. But you are one lucky man, thank my dad’s job,” he rolled his eyes before darting his eyes on the games in front of them. 

  
  


“Heard your mom been wanting that plushie for a long time now, win for her!” Suho said again as he punched his hand to the air for good luck, then disappeared in the ocean of people. 

  
  


“Wait, Suho! Where the hell are you-” Seojun’s word was cut when he saw a middle aged man smile at him and ask him, “You wanted to give it a try?” the teenager mirrored the other’s smile before nodding his head like a lost puppy. 

  
  


“You’re so good at this young man,” the owner of the booth said with a fond smile. “Have you been practicing on a daily basis?” he asked in a friendly manner as his eyes focused onto disconnecting the plushie from the hook. 

  
  


Seojun shyly rubs the back of his neck as he replied, “Yeah I did, but not officially. I’m just making sure that I don’t have to pay extra money for the plushie,” 

  
  


The middle aged man chuckled, “Well, now you mentioned it, a lot of visitors here are determined to win my plushies, I even recognize some of them,” Seojun gives a small laugh at the cute little story, so he’s not the only one. 

  
  


“My mom has been setting eyes on this pet plushie for a long time, about time for me to give it to her, don't you think?” Such a cheeky man.

  
  
  


“For being a good player,” he reaches and puts a small version of it in Seojun’s palm, “Give them to a special someone,” he winks before attending another person. 

  
  
  


“Oooof, look at you,” a voice greeted him while nudging him on the shoulder, voice full of grinning when he saw his boyfriend win something. Seojun was startled by the voice, only able to calm down when he saw the owner of the voice, “Where were you, you meanie!” 

  
  


“This,” Suho offers the ice cream to the older, “I thought you wouldn’t be done by now since I heard his games are the hardest around here. If I knew you were this good, I will definitely stay,”

  
  


Seojun taps his shoe, “So if I’m not?”

  
  


His boyfriend laughs at the offended stare shot at him, “Stop murdering me with these kind of questions, you know I would stay either way,” 

  
  
  


The younger scanned the counter and saw the cute, small keychain beside the big plushie, “This is yours too?” 

  
  
  


Seojun raised his eyes and when he saw it, he felt his face go hot, “I play another game because you were taking the time at the ice cream store,” Seojun took the small keychain and shoved it onto the other’s palm.

  
  


“I don’t need this anyway, you take it. If you don't want it, then you can just throw it for all I care,” Suho smiles as he takes a nice look at the thing, “I will treasure this, always” Seojun’s cheek was red but thank for the dimmed light, no one can see. 

  
  


Meaningful smile from the side that they will never notice. 

  
  
  


Excuse me miss, can we leave this here,” Suho asks politely to one of the workers. She smiles and nods, “Go enjoy yourself boys!” and with that, they go and leave the booth. 

  
  
  


✧

  
  
  


“No!” 

  
  
  


“Yes!”

  
  


“Suho! I said no!” Seojun was about to run away but got caught by two long arms from behind. He tried to fight the grip but Suho uses just enough strength to keep Seojun in place. Though Seojun gets into **a lot** of fights, Suho is always better at it than Seojun ever is. 

  
  


“Just one kiss,” the guys tried again, pouting his lips in order to change the taller’s opinion. 

  
  
  


Seojun finally gave in and placed a quick kiss on Suho’s cheek. The young man's smile bloomed almost immediately, satisfied with what happened. 

  
  
  


They’re now on a rooftop and very alone. 

  
  
  


“Thank you,” Seojun said while leaning onto the other’s chest before he continued, “It’s as if you just brought me back to my childhood days. I may get more attached by you than I already am after this,” 

  
  


Suho’s eyes sparkle at the thought of it. He wanted Seojun to be affected if he’s not around, maybe missing him when they’re far from each other. As selfish as it sounds, he likes it. If it was possible, he already planned a forever with the older in his head— pampered him for as long as forever can be.

  
  


“Don’t feel burdened by it. I planned this because I want to. You have been through a very tough month,” The broader said yet his mind flew back to that day where he caught his boyfriend lying on a bright day light. He hasn’t brought that question up though. 

  
  
  
  


“Did you pass your assignment already?” Seojun’s eye once again wandered around before hesitatingly nodding. 

  
  


“Good then, I can spend more time with you,” he smiled. 

  
  


Seojun’s smile was awkward. 

  
  
  
  
  


✧

  
  
  


One day Seojun comes home with a Swarovski paper bag, “Oh you’re early today,” Suho said as he’s diverting his attention from the tv to the said man while munching on his popcorn. 

  
  


“Suho! Look!” the older one rushes from the front door to the couch. He smiles from ear to ear, so wide that Suho thinks how effortlessly beautiful the man is. As if his instinct screams at him, he found himself bop Seojun’s nose, “Cute,” he whispers. 

  
  
  


The bad boy scrunches his nose uncomfortably before “Open this,” the older instructed excitedly. The slightly shorter chuckled as he complies anyway to what his boyfriend asks him to do. 

  
  


“This is so pretty, angel.” He looks at the black leather bangle in awe, his eyes lingers on the small rose stones. It is indeed simple but very elegant, “Come closer, let me put it on you,”

  
  


Seojun closes the small gaps between them and their knees are now touching each other, “You like it?” 

  
  


Suho nodded. 

  
  
  


“Really? Scale 1-10?” 

  
  
  


“Hm a solid 8? Maybe 9,” The younger replied which makes the other pout, “So you don't really like it,” Suho panics before shaking his head aggressively. 

  
  


“It’s beautiful, it’s very beautiful but you know it’s impossible to give anything a perfect score. I’m just being realistic here Jun,” Suho. 

  
  


Seojun giggled as he squished the other’s cheek, “I’m just kidding, it’s yours by the way!” he announces as he reached out and put it on for the said man. 

  
  
  


Seojun observed the bangle on his boyfriend, “I’ll rate it a 5 on its own, but on you,” His pointer is on his chin, a signal of thinking “well, gotta give it a -3,” he said before he got attacked by a tickle monster. 

  
  


His laugh echoes through the whole living room. A few seconds after, he kisses Suho on the cheek, “Do you love my present?” the said guy rubs his nose towards Seojun’s before nodding his head cutely. 

  
  
  


“Do you love me?” Seojun asked again while blinking his eyes cutely. Suho acts as if someone burns him in the way he flinches away from Seojun. He avoids the other’s eyes. There was an awkward pause. 

  
  
  


“Do you want some hot chocolate?” Suho changed the topic. 

  
  
  


It was supposed to be a joke. It really is.

  
  
  


But why does he feel suffocated by his own joke?

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dum dum dum! The drama has begin. Thank you for reading again it really mean a lot<3 your feedbacks will be appreciated


	3. realization hits harder(than ive ever imagine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I’m really sorry it took me a long time to update. I had really busy weeks. 
> 
> small little note :
> 
> -really theres a little mention of fist fighting
> 
> -harsh words

Silence by definition means the absence of noise which most people believe causes more harm than good; yet both main characters appreciated every second of it— gosh the idea of them lying on top of each other as they listen to each other’s heartbeats doesn’t sound that bad. Small sleepy mumblings and a good cuddling is totally a booster after a hectic day.  
  


Hence after the earlier conversation which shall not be mentioned, the older could feel the awkwardness lingers in the room. The lack of energy in every conversation thrown to each other is a bit worrying. He starts to understand the majority’s point of view on the topic. Not gonna lie, it kinda hurts a little too much. 

  
  


To be honest, the taller man too, is upset of himself for being selfish and ignorant— for fuck sake, he shouldn't have brought it up in the first place. Now he just can’t imagine how much he invalidated the other’s privacy. It makes him think he’s a total failure, not only as a boyfriend but also as a human being.

  
  
  


He swallows his thoughts bitterly and quietly sips on his hot chocolate that Suho made earlier— stealing one or two glances on the other. “I’m getting sleepy,” was what Seojun chose to say. 

  
  
  


Suho, as if wishing for it, immediately nodded his head and led the way to their bedroom. “Goodnigh Suho, have a good sleep,” The older whispers softly, Suho replied not long after. No usual smooches, no cuddle— just boring, dull words exchanged to each other before shortly inviting themselves to dreamland. 

  
  


Seojun hates himself. 

  
  


He really meant it. 

The said man wakes up in the middle of the night, honestly he can't even get a good sleep in the first place. He, after a long contemplating, finally decided to turn his body carefully and now is facing the sleeping guy again. 

  
  


Suho looks unbelievably calm and peaceful when he is sleeping than these few months spent with Seojun. 

  
  
  


“I couldn’t imagine how much pressure I brought you in, I apologize for the earlier event, and of course for being inconsiderate towards you,” Seojun whispers as he lightly pushes the other’s hair backward so it won’t go past the younger’s eyes.

  
  


Since he’s quite busy lately, he only realizes it now that the younger one looks kinda pale and thinner. He repeats the same action a couple of times before he mutters again, “Take as much time you need, okay?”

  
  


Pause. 

  
  
  


A long pause. 

  
  
  


“But if you actually,” he feels like he got choked up— as if breathing is one of the hardest things to do but he tries to clear his throat as he tries again, “If you actually didn't..” he failed once again. 

  
  


He let out a force chuckle. “Never mind,” he mutters to himself. He was about to touch the other on the cheek before changing his mind, he smiled as he said, “Sleep tight, and sweet dream only, alright?” 

  
  
  


With that, he closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

  
  
  


And Seojun makes sure to avoid any skinship with the other guy for the rest of the night. 

  
  
  


✧

Wise man once said to never go to bed angry; the fight will last longer.

  
  


The cold breeze sent shivers to Suho’s spine since the comforter barely covered half of his body. He tossed around sleepily and his heart immediately sank when he couldn't spot the other man beside him. By the lack of warmth, he guesses the older must have left very early in the morning.

  
  
  


In the middle of searching for the older from across the room, his eyes set on a small piece of paper on the nightstand instead, which the handwriting he would recognize on any day.

  
  
  


_have a good day ahead suho! (:_

  
  


The fact that Seojun is known for not being an early bird, the sudden changes of behavior is being spotlighted. Suho just knew something was up but he refrained from questioning the other, at least for now. 

  
  


When he opens the faucet, the sound of the water dripping down on the floor echoes yet none can ever beat the voice behind his head. To be honest, none of them really bothers him. 

  
  


Well, he lied. 

  
  


It does bother him. It is indeed insufferable. 

  
  
  


He admits to recognizing the concerns and thoughts from the taller one, always— yet last night’s rejection from him was a bit too harsh and transparents. He makes him feel bad, and it’s very sickening.

  
  
  


What makes it very especially annoying is, Suho is always good at approaching anyone and obviously was the one to give off a very strong opinion every time, however when it comes to Seojun, he feels like someone holds him against him.

  
  


Like…. There's this specific small tug that forces him to stop from doing sweet little things towards Seojun. Though sometimes he admits to refusing from following yet a little feeling of regrets will bloom after— he hates how those feelings appear within him. 

  
  
  


Suho is still searching for meanings behind all these events and that’s one of the reasons why he never returns the three words back.

  
  
  


Yet one thing the younger man noticed for sure is, having Seojun far away from him this morning both makes him extremely thankful— the freedom he’s dying for is finally granted; although there’s still another tiny feeling he chose to ignore and hide under the cover.

  
  
  


Considering he used to value his alone time, walking to the bus station by himself today kinda feels awkward at some point. Not to mention, the lack of grumpiness groans from Seojun is very deafening. That attitude of the taller one used to be one of his pet peeve before it turned into a pure treasure— he’s finding himself smiling at the thought. 

  
  


✧

  
  


Suho was lucky, the bell rings right after he sits on his usual spot. The first person he looked for was Jukyung; because she had his notes. The second person was Sua; because he had to pass up the work from yesterday. The third person was Seyeon; because he wanted to pay for basketball new jersey. 

  
  


Fourth… Fifth....Sixth…

  
  


“Attendance everyone!” the teacher announced before calling out names, “Lim Jukyung,” the said person response. 

  
  


“Han Seojun,” the teacher called, yet to no response. He repeats, “Han Seojun,” 

  
  
  


“Absence,” the roar of voices replied back. 

  
  


Suho hung his head low as he let his fingers play with the plastic full of Seojun’s favorite bread abandoned in front of him. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking. He was supposed to be happy to have a day off from Seojun as that's what was told by his mind— but why is he finding himself thinking about Seojun every second of a minute?

  
  


One second he’s all _I miss you_ or _I wanna be with you for a long time_ before it turns into _I don’t need you why the fuck are you here?_

  
  


His mind is confusing. Does it mean whatever he’s feeling towards Seojun is actually infatuated? As if his leg controlled his body, he found himself walking out from the class in the middle of lecturing. This is one of the times he appreciates being a teacher's pet— he won't get into trouble, never.

  
  


Music rooms; one of Seojun’s hideout spots. Usually he goes there when he’s not feeling good. Suho remembers how terrified he was when he found his bestfriend was a sobbing mess a few years ago— his dad passed away, Suho learnt and considering Seojun is very close to his dad, he ditched his classes too in order to comfort the fragile one.

  
  


Back to the present, he finds no one in the room. To say he’s very disappointed in it is understandable. 

  
  


Rooftop; the place Seojun usually goes when he misses someone. He once said that the strong wind blew his body as if taking away all of his longing for a person away with them too. He found comfort being in a high place; saying that maybe he’s closer to the sky where his dad is.

Where the brightest stars are, there is his father. 

  
  


Suho’s climbing the stairs in full speed as he thought the taller man would be here and he can't wait to bring the other one into his embrace. But once again, he was met with disappointment, this time his shoulder was haunched. With a heavy heart, he left the scene again. He has few more ideas of his boyfriend’s hide spot yet part of him rings that Seojun isn't actually in school. 

  
  
  


It’s not true. Suho was wrong about it.

  
  
  


Because on his way to his class, he saw Seojun beat someone, well was beaten too judging by freshly bruised on his face. Right now, his boyfriend is on top of Daehyun, one of his biggest rivals.

  
  


“Listen here, you dick. You can say anything about me, I dont give two fuck about it but nev-” Seojun said with a heavy breath while punching the guy to no avail. Before Seojun could finish his sentence, Suho interrupted the scene since he noticed how brutal Daehyun was beaten up. 

  
  


“Seojun stop! You're gonna kill him if you don’t,” Suho pushed the older for a little warning. Seojun raises his face, he doesn’t look good himself, bruises everywhere and his lips look very swollen, “Get out of my business,” Seojun growls. 

  
  
  


“You’re hurting one of my teammates. **This** ,” he emphasizes while gritting his teeth together, “is indeed my problem, so fucking stop Han Seojun,” this time he shoved the older harder before taking the more injured one to the medic, leaving the taller with a broken rib and nose in middle of nowhere. 

  
  


Seojun also didn’t miss the small smirk Daehyun directed to him before getting into the character again.

  
  


Seojun chuckled bitterly as he limped his way to his bag and took out some tissues to wipe off his and probably the other person’s blood too. While taking care of himself, he saw Suho come back to him. 

  
  


“Can you stop getting involved in unnecessary fistfights?” Suho’s first instinct after seeing his swollen face was that. Seojun once again chuckled, it’s getting funnier each time to be honest. But it’s totally nobody’s fault he expected Suho to care enough to ask if he’s okay but himself. 

  
  


“I’m sorry,” the older man decides to reply. A few moments of silence remains before Seojun choose to be a hero once again when he said, “I’m gonna need to go somewhere, see you later,” 

  
  
  


The younger reaches for the swollen man’s hand, “Let’s get you to the clinic first,” Suho suggests. Seojun on the other hand, bites his lips to hold on his wince, he must have sprain his wrist earlier but he kindly objected before turning his back again.

  
  


One from the west, once from the east, two opposite poles are equivalent to not meant to be. 

  
  


✧

  
  


“Where were you? I waited for you,” Seojun was caught off guard when he heard the younger’s deep voice echoing through the living room. He made sure the clock striked 0200 when he came home, so he really didn’t expect the latter would be still awake. 

  
  


“I had things to do,” Judging from his less swollen face, he guessed that the older man already went to the doctor himself. He instantly hides a few medications he got from the pharmacy behind his back. 

  
  


When Suho noticed that the older wanted to climb the stairs, he announced quickly, “Let’s talk. About earlier,” 

  
  


“There’s nothing to talk about,” Seojun. 

  
  


“Please,” Suho softly asked as he guided the fragile man to their brand new couch. “When I reflected back, I just realized how such a dick I am towards you. I’m really sorry,” his head hung low in guilt. Seojun held the other’s face by chin and nodded his head, “It’s okay,” he smiled, even though they don’t really reach his eyes. 

  
  
  


After a good session of cuddling, the younger raised his head up, “What actually happened?” he asked. 

  
  


Seojun noticed his boyfriend wearing the bangle he gave last night, he tried his best not to get flutter, “Nothing much, just boys being boys I guess. He hates me, and I hate him, hence fighting happened,” 

  
  


Suho sighs, can't let his thoughts off the amount of bruises on the other’s face, he asked, “Do you already go to the clinic?” the older shakes his head, Suho as if in instant, reaches out for the medication he hid earlier and applies them softly. “It’s okay, I can do them myself,” Seojun said, taking his face away from the other. 

  
  


His heart beats faster than it’s supposed to, he panics. “It’s not there,” Suho softly said before pulling Seojun closer, he’s back at applying the cream on the bruises, repeating the same motion again and again. 

  
  


“Don’t be afraid to come find me at your worst,” Suho said. 

  
  


The older laughs “And I think you need to stop saying things you don’t mean,” Seojun said, merely heard. 

  
  


“Stop what? What do you mean?” He raised his eyebrow in confusion before bonking the other’s nose playfully, probably trying to ease the tense situation. 

  
  


Seojun holds Suho’s hand in his, their eyes connecting to one another, “I want you to stop everything. Stop taking care of me, stop being there with me, stop acting like you love me, just… stop hurting me,”

  
  
  


_One day you act like you love me, the next day you acted like the idea of being with me grossed the hell out of you._

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading, I’m really sorry for disappointing if it’s not good. I hope i can come back with a good one next time. 
> 
> p/s it will probably took me a long time to update the other chapters too because i have a big exam coming in few days until april.
> 
> I would be very happy if you interact and tell me how much you like so far🥺


	4. please be here for me(im begging you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it’s me again! I told you I wasn’t gonna update until later but I feel so bad for leaving you guys like that hehe, if only there anyone still reading though, hehe
> 
> small notes :
> 
> -there is a scene of panic attacks, pls skip this chapter if it makes me feel uncomfortable okay?

✧

“ _I want you to stop everything. Stop taking care of me, stop being there with me, stop acting like you love me, just… stop hurting me,”_

The words repeated in Suho’s head like a broken record. He swore he could feel himself pale yet he was too cowardly to even ask for a better explanation. Seojun, on the other hand, has such a calm expression before letting out a small giggle, covering them behind the back of his hand. 

  
  


“Wait are you seriously getting nervous?” He teasingly asks as he poked the other’s side, noticing the younger worries eyes. The older took it as a sign to calm the other before anything bad happens. Yet Suho still couldn’t keep a straight body proportion like he always does. And the latter continues shifting uncomfortably back and forth, it amuses Seojun. 

  
  


“I don’t understand,” the raven, short haired man finally stated. His doe eyes stare into the other’s small yet intimidating(soft) one. The silent remains, taking as much as time they need, they all say slow but surely, aren’t they? 

  
  


Seojun makes sure that he doesn't cross the line and keeps the skinship as minimum as he possibly can. He doesn’t want to give off such a strong energy towards Suho once again. _You need to do this,_ he tells himself. _You can do this,_ he convinces himself this time. 

“Suho, I’m not gonna repeat myself so I need you to pay extra attention to what I’m gonna say okay?” Suho gulped at the early warning. He got a feeling he’s not gonna like how this conversation is going. Yet he still nodded anyway. 

  
  


Seojun smacks his chest playfully as if trying to tell the other that nothing will go wrong. To a certain extent, Suho still can’t be sure but manages to let out a deep breath of relief, even though breathing is hard for him now.

  
  
  


Seojun absentmindedly brought his hands to tuck Suho’s hair behind his ears as running his long fingers through the territory— it became a habit of his. He was caught off guard when he realized his mistakes, immediately using all of his willpower to stop his doings. Suho, who is currently dying for comfort, reaches out for the older wrist and brings it to his cheeks— the earlier plan about skinship, yeah, it was long forgotten. 

  
  
  


The younger one now tie his eyes with Seojun’s dark brown one and notices the older’s gaze is heartwarming and very welcoming, he feels dizzy by the amount of affection thrown to him yet there’s still something tingle inside of him telling otherwise— something he’s sure couldn't consider as good news. 

  
  
  


“I need you to be very honest with me,” Seojun said after making sure that their knees touched each other so he could at least feel Suho’s presence— because he suddenly lost his confidence, regretting his own action. He took a deep breath, “Do you ever, like once, think I’m a mistake?”

  
  


One said that eyes are a reflection of your inner self holds true in most cases. There are a lot of meanings to eye contact— it can be a glaring look when a person is defiant or angry while a glaze over look when we are hopelessly in love with the person. 

  
  


In all instances we use our eyes as a level of communication with the other person. We also avoid a direct look from another person if we have something to hide; That’s Suho. 

  
  


He expected that reaction from the younger, there is no doubt in that to be honest but why does it still hurt a lot?

  
  


“What do you mean, hyung?” Suho replied again unsurely. His voice was clearly trembled, feeling like his own skin was ripped out viciously. Seojun smiles just to ease the pain he feels inside. _Smile Seojun, don’t be such a weakling,_ he convinced himself again. 

  
  


Seojun finds himself pinching his own thigh as a self motivation to go on, “Do you regret it? Being with me, I mean,” the older asked again. Yet none of them once raised their face to look at each other— they refused eye communication. 

  
  


Suho is overwhelmed by his emotions, including helplessness and fear. His heartbeats fasten as if he’s on a treadmill with rapid breathing, sweating and all shaking, he’s terrified and definitely hopeless. 

  
  


Silence fills the whole room as Seojun once again tries, his voice doesn't have the same intensity as before anymore, “Do you?” Suho remained silent and Seojun took that as a yes. 

  
  


Heartbreak is a perpetual feeling that something bad is about to happen. It is grief, fur-lined with fear that joy has forever escaped you, it is dread. 

Heartbreak is a tightness in your chest; it makes air feel like razor blades moving through you. 

  
  
  


Suho’s breathing gets unorganized as time passes by. A sharp knife as if stabbing on his chest like there’s no tomorrow, resembles pressure or a squeezing sensation. His shoulder is now hutched, his hands held close to his heart. 

  
  
  


_What inopportune did I bring myself to? This isn't what I wanted,_ yet those words never make it out and he’s very disgusted with himself for being unable to voice his feelings. Because Suho had always been bad with acknowledging them but even worse at expressing them. 

  
  
  


“I love you. You know that’s how I feel about you, please hyung,” Suho says those words out of nowhere, still holding onto his chest like his life depends on it. Suho however winces when he realizes how desperate his voice appears to be. 

  
  
  


That catches Seojun’s attention yet his expression was unreadable, to be frankly, he looks more disappointed than anything else. That’s a lot coming from Seojun since he has been waiting for the younger to throw out those words towards him. 

  
  


As if it shot electricity towards his body, he slowly rejected Suho from him, and the younger admits he feels like his heart has been stomped brutally this time. _He can’t breath, his chest hurts._

  
  
  


There’s only one thing Seojun is afraid of and that is to make a wrong life decision. He was unsure of ways to approach the younger yet the man just now proved to him that he’s on the right path— _this relationship won't be going anywhere if everything is based on sympathy_ , the voice tells him.

  
  
  


“Hyung, please hear me out,” Suho tried again, more desperately this time. His voice is all cracked. He reached for the other’s arm as support before muttering another please. Tears welled up in his eyes and he tried his best to hold them back. _Everything hurt, he felt numb,_ he pleaded to no one.

  
  


Suho doesn’t feel good, not at all. Everything reminds him of the dark side of him. The memories he wished he could move on from yet how could he if it left such big scars into his heart— having your parents leaving you without a second thought or a single goodbye is not an easy task for Suho. 

  
  


And losing Seojun is never in his bucket list. 

  
  


Seojun raised his eyes and only now noticed the slightly shorter state. He’s unable to comprehend the whole situation but he tried to stay calm. He knows one or two things about handling a panic attack yet he has never made a practise of it. He was dumbfounded at first but still manages to apply whatever he’s learning in his sophomore year. He’s taking a step back from the younger, giving him as much as space he needs. 

  
  


“It hurts,” Suho tried to say but it was stuck at the tips of his tongue. “Suho please listen to me,” Seojun softly said, giving a small squeeze before continuing. “You hear me right? Okay, now can you please take a deep breath?”

  
  
  


He notices Suho was struggling to inhale deeply at first. As time passed by, the latter eventually focused onto expanding his centre as he fill his body with the breath. Gradually exhale out through his mouth, letting all of the stale air out. He continues to focus on his breath.

  
  
  


“That’s right Suho, you're doing great. Close your eyes and think about good things if it helps you better baby,” Seojun sweetly whispers again. He continues to draw one or two patterns on the man’s back as comfort when he feels Suho relaxed against his fingers. 

  
  


He opposed that Suho is getting better because his breathing is more stable than before, “You're doing very very good sweetheart. I’m so proud of you. Let’s concentrate on our breathing okay?” Seojun said again before taking a deep breath, tapping the other’s shoulder softly. 

  
  


“I’m here for you. It’s okay,” From what Seojun observes, Suho seems better now even though he looks fatigued and worn out after the attack subsides. The older stands up and takes a glass of plain water before offering them to the man. 

  
  
  


Suho had his head hung low, Suho was worried. “Hey, I’m always here for you. Suho, you mean a lot to me so don’t feel bad about it okay? You’re fine, you're-” Seojun saw Suho shakes his head aggressively, he frowns at the reaction.

  
  


“Don’t leave me, I’m begging you,” Suho looks extra fragile tonight so with decent instinct, he wrapped his arms around the broader man. He whispers sweet nothings into the ears, leading the man to fall asleep in an instant. 

  
  


“You did a great job tiger, I’m very proud of you. Now sleep tight okay?” Seojun finds himself muttering sleepily before placing his face on top of the other’s head. 

  
  
  


And the conversation ends that way.

  
  
  
  
  


✧

  
  
  
  
  


The sound of the door locked echoes the whole bedroom, it startled Seojun from his deep sleep. The white comforter covered half of his body and he was now even in comfortable outfits. “Oh, you woke up Seojun?” Suho who is now looking better greeted him with a tray of food in his hands. 

  
  
  


Seojun immediately jolted out from his soft, warmth spot, even almost tripping in the process before approaching the younger. “Yah, what are you doing?” Seojun glares at Suho who is now grinning like a kid. Seojun has never been a really protective boyfriend but yesterday’s event must have hurt him in some way too so Suho presented a small kiss on the older’s cheek cheekily.

  
  
  


Suho then softly took his boyfriend by the hand before leading him to the bed. After a few deep breaths, Suho confessed, “It… wasn’t new. Whatever happened yesterday, it wasn’t the first time. I’ve always suffered from them since I was like in highschool,” he then feels his boyfriend’s hand on his. 

  
  


May he admits, his heart beat crazily at every little thing the taller did to him, as if it was the first date every time. The latter has always been amazing in making him feel calm, his feelings towards him have deepened, once again may he admits.

  
  


“You don’t have to explain to me okay? I understand, it’s private and I must be the one who’s sorry for witnessing it when you're not even ready for me to find out,” Suho’s heart skipped once fucking again, he felt overwhelmed by how thoughtful Seojun is and instantly yank the man into his embrace. Bringing the man against his chest, making sure he will always be there for him. 

  
  
  


“Suho, the food,” he pointed on the tray in between them, almost spilled onto their brand new bed sheet. Correction, their very expensive bed sheet. 

  
  


“I have always been insecure about this. I wanted to tell you, I’ve always wanted to tell you,” Suho now speaks whatever has been bottled within him these whole time. “But I was afraid if you think I’m weak or that I wasn’t enough to take care of you,” Suho once again voiced out. 

  
  


Seojun took the tray and put them on their one night stands before scooting closer, “Suho,” he softly called the younger. “You know I wouldn’t ever judge you, especially about that,” Seojun caresses Suho’s cheek with so much affection before continuing, “Hey, listen to me, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Do you really think that little of me?” He asks again, jotting the other’s side playfully.

  
  
  


Suho, on the other hand, was taken back by his feeling, having his face so close to Seojun that he could smell the sweet fragrance doesn’t help at all. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Seojun’s, just long enough that he could inhale the other’s breath, feeling the warmth of his skin. 

  
  


Their forehead are now touching and Suho takes extra attention on Seojun’s flushed cheeks and plump lips, “You're so beautiful Han Seojun,” Suho intimately whispers before closing the remaining gaps between them, they are now one. 

  
  


Suho is shy, very shy he adds— because he wasn't one being skilled in kissing, indeed this is his first one. His kiss is not at all the same as those movie stars, but one steeped in a passion that ignites. It is the promise of realness, and very very pure and innocent one at that— and it’s all it takes for Suho to melt.

  
  
  


_In his kiss I am home, Suho happily sighs._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They kissed!! I wanted to continue more but thinking that this chapter rather be better if it finished w a kiss. Sorry again for another short update :((


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